I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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