Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
