So drunk its hurt
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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