Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
