They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
