Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
