Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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