Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
