She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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