theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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