This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
