I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
