I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
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