Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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