I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
