sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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