I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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