So drunk its hurt
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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