At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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