Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
