Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
