I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
