I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
