I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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