I wish my penis had an off switch
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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