yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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