Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
