Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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