this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
