I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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