eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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