Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
