i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
