Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
