fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Girls should come with a carfax report
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize