where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
