Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
