I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
