So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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