I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
