I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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