since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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