thus making me awesome and them whores
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Ladies don't puke and tell
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
