Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
