Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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