We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
