Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's shark week go big or go home
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize