I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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