Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
