I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
