you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
