***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
