party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
