If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
