How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize