There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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