Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
