Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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