you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
