I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
