Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
