I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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